MY DRIVE TO BE DAD

“The scariest moment I've had was the drive home from the hospital; it is probably the slowest drive I've ever taken in my entire life.”

Dr. Robert Gore, Physician and Author

I'm an emergency physician in Brooklyn, New York. I became a father on July 6th, 2000  -right in the middle of the pandemic. The world was kind of ending, being disrupted and turned all around, but there was also a love of a peacefulness that was happening. And that's when my son was born.

Everything that we understood about health and well-being was being challenged. And we're thinking, what's going to happen with our kid? What's going to happen with my wife and I?

During that time, I moved out of the house while my wife was pregnant so I could protect her and our son. I moved out for 10 to 12 weeks because my hospital, SUNY DOWNSTATE, was one of the busiest COVID hospitals, and nobody really knew anything about this disease. I got a chance to see my wife evolve during the pregnancy from afar.

When I felt it was safe, I returned to our home. I found appreciation for the pandemic time because of what it gave me. I think a lot of us, as fathers, are working, working, working, working, and we don't get a chance to observe what's happening with the child and that growth process until it's too late. The pandemic taught us to be still, and I was able to be there during very critical times during very nurturing and bonding times. That's my that's my boy.

THE VILLAGE

I had a nurturing environment at home with my parents, but when you start looking at life as a 18, 19, 20, 21 year old kid who's trying to come into his own, what is that going to look like for you the rest of the world, and particularly when you decide to become a father in the future? Morehouse prepared me to be a father because you understood what black manhood was. There's the biological role in terms of the production and having the kid be able to even come into this world. But then there's the biological role that comes along with what's required to nurture. Morehouse was a nurturing space for me. It was a healing space. It was also a place that had men who had excelled in many different ways. You saw what the potential for you could become, and you were also given the support.

This morning, I had a conversation with my father about fatherhood, to be exact. We talked about the biological roles and how that has an impact on a child's well-being. We talked about the support that I didn't know I needed to have as a father, which I have found in my entire family. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is having space and being a part of a community that's fully supportive.

 I am not going to lie, everything about being a parent can be hard. My kid wakes up early, and he goes to sleep late. He's tired. He gets cranky. He wants to go here. He wants to go there. And you're not factoring your own personal well-being, so when you start looking at what it actually takes to raise a child, you need a community, and you need people you can call on for whatever reason possible.

 I need somebody to help go to the store. It might even be just that I need somebody to vent to and to hear me. Someone to understand me and to not judge me. Someone to be very real with me in the sense that you might need some real advice. I work in the pediatric E.R.. I work in the adult emergency department. I know I can take care of these emergencies, but it's a whole other thing when it's your child.

 You realize the power of community in terms of raising your child. You need people to help interpret things when you don't understand. You need people to show you the way when you haven't been there before.

LESSONS

When you have a child, they are an extension of who you are; in their actions, you recognize every decision that you make. Everything that you say, how you say it, how do you, how you engage, how you support is really going to help shape and mold this beautiful being, for the rest of their life. I'm a lot more cautious with what I say as a father. Now, who's also a physician who's working in a place with people who are exceptionally sensitive and also in very vulnerable situations.

 I take pride in showing him how to be present. It’s a way of showing him how to become compassionate, engage with other people in the world, at least recognizing what other hardships people may be going through, and kind of show that same level of kindness when you're engaging with them.

 A long time ago, someone mentioned that in raising a child, you're really there almost as a guide. You’re almost as a shepherd; to guide your kid through these spaces, but allow them to find their way because they're going to do what they want to do. The biggest lesson I've learned as a father is that you can do a lot, but you can't do everything by yourself.

MY DRIVE

What drives me is this capacity that allows us to know that we can evolve. That's what keeps me going, knowing that there's something else out there, knowing that I haven't tapped into all the potential that I have. I want to be around for my kid, so looking at what drives me is making sure that I can be healthy and well for my son. To be there, present.

CREDITS:

Interview: Cori Murray @corimurra

Photography: Kadeem Johnson @kjohn_lasoul 

Creative Direction: Andrew Dosunmu @shot_by_andrew_dosunmu

Editor: Oriana Soddu

 ICON MANN thanks Toyota USA and HOT 97 for their support and partnership.